When Your Heart is Broken.

When Your Heart is Broken.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

I'm not going to start this as if I'm in a place where I'm heartbroken. In fact, I'd say I'm going through the opposite. Which doesn't sound very encouraging or even helpful for the topic of this post. But it might give you some comfort for the future, rather than for where you're at right now. Just stay with me a little bit and I'll show you what I mean. 

 Still - I have been there before, sweet one. I've been there. And there's a chance I'll be there again - even if I gain the "perfect happily ever after". There will be times when I'll be heartbroken if I'm married. There will be times when I'll be heartbroken if I have children (especially if they're anything like me). Part of living in a broken world is that there's broken people, me and you included. Even a good person may not be a good person for you or for where you're at right now. That's hard to admit. It will take time. Don't rush yoself. 

Sometimes it's circumstances. In my experience, that's often the hardest part of heartbreak to accept. 

Maybe you've never been in a relationship, and that's what has your heart breaking. It's okay to say to yourself, "I don't know why I'm single, and it hurts." It's okay to share that. You're not weak and you don't need to feel vulnerable or as if there's a target on your back for admitting it. 

Heartbreak hurts. I know that sounds like a no-duh, but we make heartbreak out to seem as if it's girls in high school eating icecream from the tub and wearing the same socks for a week. That is not heartbreak. Heartbreak is a tear in your life that you know probably won't be mended or replaced, and all that's left to do is ache until it heals. Even that is an over simplification of what heartbreak is. And the hardest part of getting over heartbreak, I would argue, is sometimes you don't want to heal. Because with healing comes forgetting, and with healing comes putting yourself out there. And it's scary and it's uncomfortable and sometimes the rock bottom desperation of heartbreak is downright embarrassing, and who ever invented cute people and why did they think having feelings was ever a good idea anyway?! 

What you need to know about heartbreak that is so sneaky, is that it's all about you. It's about how you feel. What you're going through. Don't get me wrong, you get to wallow. You should take some time to wallow. (My tips for effective wallowing include salt and vinegar chips, angry yoga, The Mindy Project, and facemasks. And we can't forget a stew station of all the softest blankets and pillows in your house.  Very important.) But after that, you have to live your life. And live it well. 

Sometimes you can get in the pattern of thinking that living your life well means showing them how much better off you are. Throw that idea out the window. That's not healing, people! That's bitterness. Living your life well means you love God with all you've got. And you tackle that baggage. Take time to reflect and learn how to grow effectively. It's a skill that you will need for life, no matter what happens, no matter who loves you. Seriously. Most of the coolest things I've ever done I did right after a break up, and they pushed me, and grew me farther than if I'd stayed sad and on my couch. It's not gonna fix you or make you forget about what happened, but it will change you and help you on your way to growth. 

The last thing you need to know about heartbreak is that it isn't forever. I've had some really, really tough break ups. I've been the dumper, and the dumpee. I know what it's like to be stuck. I also know what it's like to move forward with peace even through my hurting. Basically what I'm saying, and what I touched on at the beginning of this post, is that I survived. You will get to a place where it's okay! You will get to a place when you're thriving. Pray. Let God lead when you feel spent and see what he does with your surrender. 

Even when it hurts, and even through heartbreak, He works. 

Family Day 2O17

Family Day 2O17

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Time for a little life update. 

I just survived a great weekend of hiking, eating, and best of all - family time. My crew headed out on Monday morning clad in hiking boots and knitted turtlenecks ready to take on the world. We went to a beautiful conservation area where we hiked for hours (And to think I had worried about not being able to keep up with my workout program while I was gone on the weekend! Sike! You haven't killed me yet, Autumn Calabrese!) 

Check out this gorgeous view over the frozen lake. I felt like I was walking around a scene in Narnia. I'm not gonna lie, I took the opportunity to wander away from the group and boulder up some of the more precarious rocks, just to see how out of climbing shape I was. I did alright! So far, so good! Can't wait to take some cool trips and blog about it for you guys :)  

Solid chats were had by all. New additions to our crazy group and lot's of laughter made it all a grand ol' time. My family is far from perfect - but while I've been away at school I've been convicted on some of the mistakes that I've made relationally in the past, and how I can make my love unconditional to the ones I hold dearest. Tears were shed, and hopefully some healing happened, too. 

After all that hiking we went on back to my grandmother's apartment and ate as much lasagna, veggies, fruit and icecream as we could fit in our bellies. (Obviously, mine was the Veg version, blog post on that to come at some point - probably in the summer!) Then we spontaneously decided to go through a bunch of unsorted photos and had a blast. Seriously, I forgot how cute all of us kids were. And obnoxious. There may or may not have been pictures of me pelting the crap out of other kids with snowballs. I've always had a bit of a mischievous streak ;) 

With all of these great memories made, both on the weekend and on Monday (shout out to the boyfriend and his lovely family!), it's got me feeling extremely thankful. Our culture puts so much emphasis on individuality, and I wouldn't argue with that, but who are we really without the people that love us? Without the love and support of my parents, siblings, and my wonderful extended family and friends too, I would definitely not be here pursuing ministry like I am today. I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror and say, "Hey, there are some things I would like to change, but today I'm going to work with what I've been given, and do it in a way that loves others and puts God first."

Most of all, though, I'd like to thank the Church family I have that spans across countries, ethnicities, and cultural differences. Where would each of us be without the love of Christ and the love of one another? Regardless of what family background you come from - there's room for you here. There's room for brokenness here. There's room for my brokenness. There's room for all of us to grow and heal here. 

Let's rest together in that. Happy Family Day everybody! 

Give It a Rest.

Give It a Rest.

Monday, February 13, 2017

I can't believe I'm still surprised when things don't go as planned.

Today I dropped my phone in the toilet. All of my committee notes, important school documents, meeting details, my event calendar, blog post ideas, stock photos, graphics, pictures, were accessible on that phone. I think my one grey hair just gained a twin. I'm annoyed, a little bit embarrassed, and a lottle bit frustrated at the entire, big, ugly, world.

So, here I am. At my school's cafe, staring at a computer screen, and trying hard not to cry. I have a million and one things to do today, and all those things just got the smidgenenest harder. If I was three years old I'd be stomping my foot right now. And if my mom were here, she would say it was time to put my big girl pants on. Somebody hand me a green tea, stat.

Crazily, these are the moments where I find my faith most tested. No no, I don't mean in the truly hardest times I don't struggle. But in these little things - and I mean little. I know for a fact this won't matter much to me by March or April - that's when my heart needs the biggest reality check. That's when I need to draw closer to the Father.

As I'm writing this, I'm remembering a conversation I had with two friends last night all about God's timing for our humbling. It's never our own. And that's why it teaches us something, that's why, instead of crying and stomping my feet - I'm taking deep breaths. It's time for me to rest. Rest in the idea that maybe I don't need to have it all together. Rest in the fact that some things, like iPhones and toilets, are out of my control.

Maybe you need to rest too.

It's hard being on the ball, all the time. It's hard trying to plan and discuss and protect so that nothing ever goes wrong. My gut reaction to life snags like this is to stop the entire world so I can rearrange it as if nothing happened. But what happens when something really does? All that energy, all that worry, all that business for the sake of business proves itself to be worth nothing. And I never seem to learn, every time. Thanks for your humbling, Lord. Just when I was flying high on myself and my accomplishments, one false dance move to Alt-J in front of my bathroom mirror sent all my worldly dreams into the literal toilet. I got the message, loud and clear.

So today I'm stopping. I'm resting in God's everlasting favour. I'm making a new plan - one that gives room for failure, mistakes, and growth. A plan that isn't lead by my own will, but the will of my saviour. Funny how one sad little iPhone in a rice bucket can remind me of where I still need to grow.