Chase Grace.

Chase Grace.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

This content was originally posted June 5th, 2016 as an Instagram caption, and edited onto this blog August 30th, 2016.

I keep finding “to-do” lists around my desk that I’ve written for myself.

Not the “Grab eggs, email so-and-so” kind of lists, but “personal growth” lists. The kind of lists that start out with; “Yo Beth, remember that mistake? That’s because you didn’t do this, this, or this. You failed. Next time, do these four things instead!” I even found a note to myself telling me to be more intentional about smiling when people are talking to me during one-on-one time. Anybody who knows me well knows I’m a constant cheeser – I don’t need a self-critical reminder!

I make these kinds of detailed requirements or observations for myself all the time, hoping that one day it’ll click and I’ll make myself better. I have this urge to be superwoman, to all people, at all times. I recently had the revelation the other day that when I do these things, what I’m trying to do is fix myself and rely on my own experience – rather than seeking and growing in my reliance on God. I’m masking my insecurity and lack of trust by making impossible rules and requirements for myself. Seriously, some of these lists sound like a line straight outta Leviticus. Not cool.

The point of why I’m sharing this isn’t because I’m totally down to put one of my biggest flaws on the internet, but it’s because I know that this kind of self-reliance is not a new thing. There’s not one of us on here that doesn’t cater to a self-critical analysis of themselves every once in a while. It’s pride that drives it. When we’re seeking God on the daily and laying down all our junk, that’s it. Literally. Wisdom is great, evaluation is healthy, but you’re doing it wrong if those things turn you into a guilt and anxiety ridden noodle! If you have a relationship with God, he’ll lead you to the right place. If you’re seeking him and listening, you’re half way there. It falls into place. That’s how it works—just not through YOUR works.