Blessed.

A little over a week until I start a whole new chapter. My internal monologue - in stark contrast to my outer cool, calm, sensual and sophisticated persona (cmon, laugh with me here) - runs something like this;

WHATTHEHECKWHATTHEHECKWHATTHEHECK

I'm not being melodramatic when I say I'm a little intimidated. It also doesn't help that Frank Ocean's "Lost" is playing in the background as I write this.

Girl you know you lost, lost in the heat of it all, girl you know you lost, lost in the thrill of it all...

Although I would hardly describe this moment as heated or thrilling (I'm pretty sure I have toothpaste stains on my shirt and my face is greasy) , there's something about the song that's hitting a nerve with me. I'm sure all freshmen get this feeling before their very first semester at post secondary. 

My human mind quickly shifts back and forth between doubt, worry, anxiety, and at some points - crippling fear. Am I excited? Yes. Am I confident in my ability to make new friends, ask for help when needed, and generally keep it cool? In my better moments, of course. Fear isn't rational. My unbelief isn't rational - even when everything inside me is screaming that cynicism is the only way to keep myself from getting hurt. As I look at my life and see the beautiful ways that God has showed his hand already, my fear should cause a few eyerolls. Cmon gurl! He has shown himself faithful! Just trust already! Sometimes you have to zoom out your vision. 

Blessed is she who believes. I'm holding onto this one like an extreme couponer holds onto a $5 off voucher. Blessed is she who believes. God is God with or without you - but something magical happens when you allow him to take hold of your life, take hold of your fear, and turn it into something useful. Suddenly, you two are a team. Now there's real relationship. When you believe that God's got it - your dreams, your future, your fear, your struggles, your darkness - you are blessed. Mary's faith and belief alone were the reason she was chosen to carry the Saviour in her womb. She who believed in God's promises to her, was truly blessed. 

Lord, strengthen my belief. I can't do it alone. No bible study or inspirational pinterest board can make it happen. But You can. I trust you to lead me in my relationships, my choices, my academics, and my thought life. You have proven yourself over and over - belief is so much more than a positive attitude or inner mantra. Belief is faith with action. 

I'm not sure when my next blog will be, but until then, stay sweet my lovelies, and live with a purpose of grace.