Beauty 101

Beauty 101

Monday, January 15, 2018

I remember the first time I left the house with makeup on. I had on this pencil applicator, bronze eyeshadow, briiiiight (!!!) pink blush, and to top it off - the stickiest brown mascara that has ever existed.  I thought I was a yung stunna. (I was really just a fourteen year old girl with a copy of Bobbi Brown's Makeup Bible.) 

Even before then, I would sneak into my mother's bathroom and play with all of her eyeshadows and lipsticks. Browns, reds, blushes, and green (GREEN) eyeliners covered my face in haphazard patterns as I tried to create something new and exciting on the canvas of my little girl face. I can still remember the exact moment I discovered what face glitter was (if you grew up in the late 90s and early 2000s, you might remember the ultra sticky palettes on display at Claire's).

Understanding beauty and what it really means to be beautiful has been a long and confusing journey for me. I'm still really confused about it even now, honestly. I grew up feeling very much that I was an ugly duckling - a fringe freak. 

Man, middle school, you guys (if you know somebody currently going through the confusing hell that is middle school, give them an extra hug and let them know that they will be okay). I had braces, I had acne, bad haircuts, late night crisis about bumpy noses and too-big chubby cheeks, not to mention the hurtful comments that go along with all of those things. Some days, I feel like I can still hear them, or that I'm still there.

I grew up in a lovely, wonderful family where natural beauty and simplicity were celebrated and embraced wholeheartedly. I will always be thankful to my parents for that. But there's nothing natural about Claire's face glitter or green eyeliner. Girls who wore "too much" makeup were seen as silly or over dramatic, or secretly insecure. But even still, every Wednesday night, I'd watch Fashion Television with Jeanne Beker followed by America's Next Top Model, and dive into the world of beauty and high fashion. And it was my dirty little secret - I felt ashamed that I wanted to explore all the glamour and mystique and elegance of it all. I craved beauty and pretty things. I felt as though this desire for what was considered "worldly" beauty was dangerous (even if the words were never spoken). 

And then came highschool. Suddenly, boys paid attention to me. I was so lost. I loved the attention, but I also knew I was in way over my head. The admiration and physical "beauty" I had thought I needed so desperately when I was younger turned quickly into something deep and dark and ugly. I can't even begin to explain the confusion, insecurity, and twisted ideas of what it meant to be "beautiful" that I carried around with me during those years. I was told that sex appeal, pounds of makeup, and a pressing need to always be "put together" was the key to finding my security and worth. I used it to hide the complete lack and instability I felt in the way I looked. And yet at the same time I was still trying to reconcile the inner, God-given desire I had for beauty, and his calling for my life. 

As far as I understood it, you couldn't be godly and pretty.

And that's what we're told, right? The beautiful girl at youth group is almost always followed around by whispers of, "Did you hear what she did last weekend? Did you see what she wore on Sunday?" I've heard pastors from the pulpit shame women for putting on too much mascara. I've read every single article on modesty and how women should dress that's popped up on my newsfeed. As per the culture of Christians, we mock and ridicule the society that takes advantage of women and cry, "Why don't they love themselves? This is why they're so insecure!" - but then we turn around and tell them that there's such a thing as loving yourself too much. There's such a thing as being too confident. We tell them that beauty and appeal and comfort in your own skin is too dangerous. Young men are told that beautiful women will try to trap and ensnare them. The responsibility of their wandering eyes is placed on the shoulders of teenage girls who are bombarded with images of sex and a standard of physical perfection - every. single. day. We tell boys that yoga pants are to blame for their lust and that girls who wear them are trying to steal them away from God, or are somehow unworthy of being treated like his children. We're even told that it was Lucifer's beauty that made him choose evil, rather than the ugliness that was festering in his soul. And so, as women, we hear silently and blatantly that our bodies and our features are sin. So we wear our turtlenecks and our one piece bathing suits and tell ourselves that this is what makes us godly. And all the while pride and insecurity makes us uglier than ever.

I didn't start feeling beautiful in my own body until I started to tear away at the lies and the pride that held me hostage. When I focused on changing my attitudes towards the broken, and my inner biases that were actually hurting people, I suddenly stopped throwing around the phrase "modest is hottest" (puke in my mouth). When I have peace in my heart, and encouraging words flowing out of me, I feel the loveliest. In the beginning of my faith walk I thought the answer to pursuing godliness was contouring less. In reality the beauty and purity of my heart was the real key. Did you know that a full beat face of well-done, skilled and beautiful makeup application done in the right frame of mind can actually be a form of worship? Part of pursuing Christ is accepting the fact that you are wired to be beautiful and desirable, and understanding that desire as a part of who you are. You can express yourself in all black clothing - tattoos, crazy lipstick, and out there haircuts and also be completely in love with God. You can never wear any more than chapstick in your life and be completely in love with God. Hell - you can wear a two-piece bathing suit and still be completely and utterly sold out for your saviour. Beauty is not our enemy. Our bodies are not dangerous and shouldn't be invisible. 

Before we open our mouths and give our two cents worth on "true beauty" and "inner beauty", let's make sure we're doing everything we can to support and encourage and show people their God-given worth. I care way more about how honest and kind you are, before I even want to look at how long your shorts are. I promise you, I'm going to call you out for being jealous or callous before I ask how many fingertips is your tanktop. I'm never going to assume someone's ability or relationship with Jesus by how dark their eyeliner is (if you can pull off a smokey eye every single day - power to you). How do you treat people? Are you well-rooted? Do you understand how beautifully and unconditionally Jesus loves you? Are you willing to accept every bit of yourself as a gift and a lesson rather than a flaw? 

You can be beautiful and love God. You don't have to sacrifice one for the other. God delights in you. Every scar, every stretch mark, every bit of extra fat and muscle that you possess is on your body for a reason. Beauty, worth, and righteousness are not defined by where you shop or what lipstick you like. Beauty, worth, and righteousness were defined in perfect example when Jesus died on the cross. 

I Think You Should Go For It

I Think You Should Go For It

Thursday, January 11, 2018

" New year, new me." 

You've heard it, I've heard it, we all roll our eyes and want to punch ourselves in the face. I don't know about you, but during the holiday season when all these inspirational quotes on Instagram and Facebook start popping up, I'm pretty much always sitting on my couch with pie crumbs all over my face (and wearing pants with elastics for a waistband) (it gets even better if I don't even have to wear pants in the first place, #free).

(Personal anecdote alert, please bear with me) When I was in my late teens I mentioned once to a boyfriend that I was trying to expand my musical skills and learn a new instrument (okay - this anecdote isn't going to make him sound very nice, but I promise he was still a gem and a half), and the first thing he said in response was, "Beth, you're never actually gonna do any of that." I think in his mind he was being "realistic". I took it as a declaration of failure before I had even started, and my motivation to learn something new completely fizzled out.

If I could go back as I am now, I wouldn't rely on someone else to dictate whether I was going to be successful at something I hadn't yet tried or not. And I definitely wouldn't quit after one negative comment. 

When I'm scrolling and I see somebody post an inspirational quote or verse, or write a personal list of goals or growth they'd like to achieve over the new year; I don't roll my eyes like I used to. One thing I've learned about pride is that it likes to tell us that we know people better than we really do or that we have magic insight into humanity - when in reality there's so many surprises out there and a lot of humbling to be found in being proved wrong. And you will be.

Part of living in community and creating an environment of love is having an innate joy, and a desire to support and love people through their growth - rather than shutting people down before they even start. Use your mouth to encourage this 2018, before you count somebody out just because they want to try and better themselves. Volunteer readily to help keep them accountable if they're serious about a new phase of growth. The beauty of Christ is that people can change. As long as you have a healthy dose of wisdom and truth while you're encouraging, you're not going to run the risk of puffing up egos. And if that's your big excuse for why your toxicity is okay, I think you need to re-evaluate what you stand for a little bit.

That's why, this year, I think you should go for it. Set some healthy goals. Root yourself in truth and find little (or big) ways to become brighter and softer and full of compassion for your fellow man. Learn how to create healthy boundaries in your life. Don't be afraid to try something new, even if you look silly or it opens you up to rejection. Don't shut people down just because their passion scares you. Find something to be passionate about in your own life. Learn to be comfortable with emotion and explore your strengths and weaknesses. Be open about your struggles, even though it's scary. Become the safe space that you would have needed when you wanted to try something new. Don't let fear stop you from doing good things. Change is not impossible. Growth never stops.

And for those of you still wondering - I did learn to play that instrument. Eventually.

I Cried A Lot In 2017

I Cried A Lot In 2017

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

I think I've started writing this post at least three different times, with a bunch of different titles. To the point that I may have been hitting my head against the keyboard in desperation - maybe. You'll never know. Finally I had to settle on the very honest, but not very eloquent title you had to click on to get here. Sorry bout that. 

But it's true. I've shed more happy tears than any other year. I've also had more really ugly, open mouth, "what-is-tears-and-what-is-drool" kind of cries this year than I ever thought I had in me.

 I've heard it said that 2017 was the best-worst year for a lot of people. I think that's a really great way to put it.

One of the cool things about being on this blog journey is that I get to look back (actually this is not always cool. Sometimes it's really embarrassing) and see what I've written in years past. This time last year I wrote the words; "There's no formula for God's grace. And there's no formula for loving broken people." I think in my smug little mind I wasn't thinking of myself and how those words would apply to me - now that I'm this close to surviving one of the most soul warping years of my life, I feel the words sending shivers through my heart and down to my toes.

Because it's true. You don't earn or deserve grace. Every time you come to the feet of the cross with your hands empty and your heart outstretched - there's no limit and there's no priority line and there's no secret formula. You just get it. That was really, really hard for me to learn. Every time I made a mistake that I thought, "There's no coming back from this one.", God showed me over and over again how my understanding of love was conditional - whereas His love is not. The quote; "Cling to God, and do the next good thing." has become my mantra this year.

I think I'll always look back on this year as the year I really became myself (at least until I hit rock bottom and am forced to grow again. That's often the way life works, in my case at least.) There's something about total desperation that makes you stop caring about looking and acting a certain way. I think I got really tired of being Ministry Student Blogger Cool Christian Girl. Now, to a lot of people, I'm just Girl Who Cries In Class and Wears Weird Clothes and Plays Weird Music in the Cafe. To other people I'm still Goofy Beth. Or Sad Beth. Or Wise Beth. To other people, I'm not really anybody. And all of those are okay. I think this year I finally stopped trying to manage (or mismanage) my personal image. It's okay to be more than one thing. It's okay to be certain things to certain people. And I don't have to be all things to all people - no matter how badly I want to be.

Being honest with yourself and to others about your broken bits and your worn out heart or your empty tiredness is not fun and pretty much always feels like it's counter-intuitive to trying to fix the problem. I would much rather just try harder than take a break and sit in reflection. 

Which brings me to another good lesson I learned this year - "Take a break. Or else." I'm trying to no longer feel guilty about taking a nap or saying no to an event or stopping in the middle of a paper because my brain is mush. Save yourself the mental breakdown. Make some tea and clean your room and sit in the sunshine. Rest is okay and putting things on hold are okay - you just have to make up the difference later. But you'll be amazed at the things you can do when your heart is full and your mind is present. If you find people that can pour into you and build you up when you're down and keep you balanced (in a healthy way), keep those people. They are very, very important. 

I met some really amazing, lovely people in 2017. I have new lifelong friends in 2017. Lies were replaced with truth in 2017. I grew in my faith and have become even closer to God in 2017. I cried a lot in 2017. I fell in love in 2017. I became better and healthier and more genuine in 2017. The future became brighter in 2017.

Thank you to everybody who was a part of my life this past year. Thank you to everybody who was a lesson. I have to give special thanks absolutely to my girl squad of Lord loving, beautiful ladies - you have become some of my biggest supports, and I feel blessed to know and love each of your fabulous hearts. To the people who still continue to read and support this blog - from Brazil to Australia - thank you, thank you, thank you. You have had a front row seat to my growing and my rambling and most days I have no idea why you're here. Thank you to my beloved family. I love and admire you, you make me think and you fill up my heart. 

If there's only one thing I can say to sum up this past year, is that I'm excited to move on to the next. Growing is painful but often the path is full of light once you start moving. Goodbye, 2017. In the end, you really were good to me. 

xoxo, Beth.