I Think You Should Go For It

I Think You Should Go For It

Thursday, January 11, 2018

" New year, new me." 

You've heard it, I've heard it, we all roll our eyes and want to punch ourselves in the face. I don't know about you, but during the holiday season when all these inspirational quotes on Instagram and Facebook start popping up, I'm pretty much always sitting on my couch with pie crumbs all over my face (and wearing pants with elastics for a waistband) (it gets even better if I don't even have to wear pants in the first place, #free).

(Personal anecdote alert, please bear with me) When I was in my late teens I mentioned once to a boyfriend that I was trying to expand my musical skills and learn a new instrument (okay - this anecdote isn't going to make him sound very nice, but I promise he was still a gem and a half), and the first thing he said in response was, "Beth, you're never actually gonna do any of that." I think in his mind he was being "realistic". I took it as a declaration of failure before I had even started, and my motivation to learn something new completely fizzled out.

If I could go back as I am now, I wouldn't rely on someone else to dictate whether I was going to be successful at something I hadn't yet tried or not. And I definitely wouldn't quit after one negative comment. 

When I'm scrolling and I see somebody post an inspirational quote or verse, or write a personal list of goals or growth they'd like to achieve over the new year; I don't roll my eyes like I used to. One thing I've learned about pride is that it likes to tell us that we know people better than we really do or that we have magic insight into humanity - when in reality there's so many surprises out there and a lot of humbling to be found in being proved wrong. And you will be.

Part of living in community and creating an environment of love is having an innate joy, and a desire to support and love people through their growth - rather than shutting people down before they even start. Use your mouth to encourage this 2018, before you count somebody out just because they want to try and better themselves. Volunteer readily to help keep them accountable if they're serious about a new phase of growth. The beauty of Christ is that people can change. As long as you have a healthy dose of wisdom and truth while you're encouraging, you're not going to run the risk of puffing up egos. And if that's your big excuse for why your toxicity is okay, I think you need to re-evaluate what you stand for a little bit.

That's why, this year, I think you should go for it. Set some healthy goals. Root yourself in truth and find little (or big) ways to become brighter and softer and full of compassion for your fellow man. Learn how to create healthy boundaries in your life. Don't be afraid to try something new, even if you look silly or it opens you up to rejection. Don't shut people down just because their passion scares you. Find something to be passionate about in your own life. Learn to be comfortable with emotion and explore your strengths and weaknesses. Be open about your struggles, even though it's scary. Become the safe space that you would have needed when you wanted to try something new. Don't let fear stop you from doing good things. Change is not impossible. Growth never stops.

And for those of you still wondering - I did learn to play that instrument. Eventually.

I Cried A Lot In 2017

I Cried A Lot In 2017

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

I think I've started writing this post at least three different times, with a bunch of different titles. To the point that I may have been hitting my head against the keyboard in desperation - maybe. You'll never know. Finally I had to settle on the very honest, but not very eloquent title you had to click on to get here. Sorry bout that. 

But it's true. I've shed more happy tears than any other year. I've also had more really ugly, open mouth, "what-is-tears-and-what-is-drool" kind of cries this year than I ever thought I had in me.

 I've heard it said that 2017 was the best-worst year for a lot of people. I think that's a really great way to put it.

One of the cool things about being on this blog journey is that I get to look back (actually this is not always cool. Sometimes it's really embarrassing) and see what I've written in years past. This time last year I wrote the words; "There's no formula for God's grace. And there's no formula for loving broken people." I think in my smug little mind I wasn't thinking of myself and how those words would apply to me - now that I'm this close to surviving one of the most soul warping years of my life, I feel the words sending shivers through my heart and down to my toes.

Because it's true. You don't earn or deserve grace. Every time you come to the feet of the cross with your hands empty and your heart outstretched - there's no limit and there's no priority line and there's no secret formula. You just get it. That was really, really hard for me to learn. Every time I made a mistake that I thought, "There's no coming back from this one.", God showed me over and over again how my understanding of love was conditional - whereas His love is not. The quote; "Cling to God, and do the next good thing." has become my mantra this year.

I think I'll always look back on this year as the year I really became myself (at least until I hit rock bottom and am forced to grow again. That's often the way life works, in my case at least.) There's something about total desperation that makes you stop caring about looking and acting a certain way. I think I got really tired of being Ministry Student Blogger Cool Christian Girl. Now, to a lot of people, I'm just Girl Who Cries In Class and Wears Weird Clothes and Plays Weird Music in the Cafe. To other people I'm still Goofy Beth. Or Sad Beth. Or Wise Beth. To other people, I'm not really anybody. And all of those are okay. I think this year I finally stopped trying to manage (or mismanage) my personal image. It's okay to be more than one thing. It's okay to be certain things to certain people. And I don't have to be all things to all people - no matter how badly I want to be.

Being honest with yourself and to others about your broken bits and your worn out heart or your empty tiredness is not fun and pretty much always feels like it's counter-intuitive to trying to fix the problem. I would much rather just try harder than take a break and sit in reflection. 

Which brings me to another good lesson I learned this year - "Take a break. Or else." I'm trying to no longer feel guilty about taking a nap or saying no to an event or stopping in the middle of a paper because my brain is mush. Save yourself the mental breakdown. Make some tea and clean your room and sit in the sunshine. Rest is okay and putting things on hold are okay - you just have to make up the difference later. But you'll be amazed at the things you can do when your heart is full and your mind is present. If you find people that can pour into you and build you up when you're down and keep you balanced (in a healthy way), keep those people. They are very, very important. 

I met some really amazing, lovely people in 2017. I have new lifelong friends in 2017. Lies were replaced with truth in 2017. I grew in my faith and have become even closer to God in 2017. I cried a lot in 2017. I fell in love in 2017. I became better and healthier and more genuine in 2017. The future became brighter in 2017.

Thank you to everybody who was a part of my life this past year. Thank you to everybody who was a lesson. I have to give special thanks absolutely to my girl squad of Lord loving, beautiful ladies - you have become some of my biggest supports, and I feel blessed to know and love each of your fabulous hearts. To the people who still continue to read and support this blog - from Brazil to Australia - thank you, thank you, thank you. You have had a front row seat to my growing and my rambling and most days I have no idea why you're here. Thank you to my beloved family. I love and admire you, you make me think and you fill up my heart. 

If there's only one thing I can say to sum up this past year, is that I'm excited to move on to the next. Growing is painful but often the path is full of light once you start moving. Goodbye, 2017. In the end, you really were good to me. 

xoxo, Beth. 

Where Do You Go

Where Do You Go

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

"Simon Peter replied, 'Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life.'" John 6:68

Anybody who has spent time with me knows this and will shout it from the rooftops - I am utterly, completely, directionally challenged. I get lost on country roads I've known my whole life. I could go to the same mall every day and still double check a map to know where the bathrooms are. And please, please never ever use words like "north-east, south-west" when giving directions. I will probably get lost in the wilderness and die. Alone. I am regularly in a place and posture where I praise Jesus for Google Maps, unceasingly (kidding! please don't email me saying I'm a heretic. I save my heresies for where it really counts. kidding again. moving on.)

And depending on the season - I've found navigating through life to be even harder. When things go wrong and I feel completely lost, I usually head straight to places I know aren't good for me. When I'm overwhelmed I look for easy distractions. I wander aimlessly and tolerate little, white sins because "I just don't have it in me right now" to plant my feet firmly where Jesus wants me. 

Maybe that's you this week. You don't know where you've been at lately, and in the back of your head you're wondering how far you can wander before you reach the point of no return. Maybe you've been lost for awhile and have no idea how you got so stuck. Maybe you see your need for direction and have been trying to get back to God all in your own strength - and you keep failing. 

In the book of John there's a moment where Jesus' teachings became a little too real for the liking of some of his disciples. They weren't quite sure what it was he was trying to tell them. To the point that Jesus interrupted their mutterings (I love this, wait for it) and asked, "Does this offend you?". Sometimes God is going to ask us to go places where we really, really don't want to be. To go into the murky places in another person's soul that we don't want to believe exist. Sometimes we're going to read something from the Bible that rubs us the wrong way. Or he's going to put us into circumstances that we don't understand. Instead of holding onto Him to guide us, we decide that our way is the best way. And we choose our own path. We go places we know we shouldn't.

This is me. This is your pastor. This is your young adults leader. This is all of us. This is the wisest of us and the ficklest of us (and I'm not convinced the two are mutually exclusive). These were Jesus' own people.

But this is what I love - when Jesus asked the Twelve whether they're going to leave like the others did, Simon Peter pipes up, "Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God."

One of the most life changing things I've learned about living righteously - is that it's not actually about counting the amount of times you messed up, or didn't. It's about how often you come running back to your Saviour. It's about what you do afterwards. It's saying, "God - I believe what you say is true. I believe you are who you say you are. I trust you. I believe you've got this." It's about where you go after you've gone too far. Sinning less isn't how you become righteous. It's placing yourself at the feet of Jesus because you know there's no other way. 

So when you're feeling lost and discouraged and your old habits start crawling back from the grave you threw them in, go to Jesus. His arms are open. He is not going to bar your way or shame you because you took a wrong turn, again. He's drawing you to himself. 

You just have to choose where it is you're going to go.